Yeah, Ive got some big news, Im FUCKING moving out of that hellhole soon. So happy, and so poor, but rather poor and enjoin my stay. Im moving to a 1 bedroom apartments, its like my own house, with my own entrance, my own patch of grass, my own fucking mailbox. So excited, you should be too! I will have the keys by November 1st. So Ill probably move in there by mid November. So happy, Im outta that place, you cant imagen. I will have very little money to eat for, but I dont really care, as long as Im comfy there I will love it. Im gonna need alot of paint, since its abit run down, but that okay. Really dont have time to write now, since Im painting some furnitures. Will update on my trip to Latvia when I have the time, one SAD news, I didnt meet my baby boy. It sucked. New pic aswell. Sound of the day.
Uhm yeah. My title, well thats true, and todays post will probably be a selfpity bowl of complaints. Things are hard, for alot of people right now, we are losing work, housing and the will to keep on living, (LOL). Well maybe not the will to live, but in hard times, living and acting happy gets harder, atleast for me, when you don have much to look forward too, since money is the only thing that can get me closer to my friends, who live in other towns (traveling is expensive). They have cut down alot more hours, for me, so right now I only work about 65 hours =(. I have a hard time keeping up my standard of living, wich wasnt high to begin with, its scary, even more than before. I have a hard time paying bills, wich just include my rent and internet access. I dont have to pay for electricity or anything like that, its smashed in with my rent. Since I live in the cheapest part in town, they do so, to keep on attracting various weirdos, low lives, alcoholics and poor people like me lol. Well I wanna move, I wanna get away from this place, if I where to move just a 5 min. walk away from there, my mental health would improve in seconds. But I like the place I live in, I just dont like some of my fucked up neighbours! I have one thing to look forward to this year, since the rest of it has just been hard hard hard fucking work 24/7, to cover for people who had their vacationdays. Im going to Latvia, yayy, to see my little boy, and to care for people whos in a worse situation than I am, I cant wait, I love the people, the country, the nature, the culture, it will be so nice to get away from here. =) I leave September 9th, and will return on the 15th I think, and that will be my vacation. Im kinda bummed out about not having a familyvacation, like we usually have, we are usually away for 3 or 4 days, and thats great, I miss it, but if I have enough money to put away, I might go to Helsinki in December, to check out the Xmasfairs/markets there, Ive heard its really nice and pretty. The bad thing is that is so expensive, I would guess Sweden is one among the countries who is concidered a poor and cheap country, among or other European countries, since alot of people from Norway, Germany, The Netherlands and Finland, come over to stay at us, over vacation. I resently heard that Sweden now days, mainly survive, and keep our “good” economy, because of tourism, so keep on coming all you other friends, I dont mind, I like have other neighbours around lol. Well nothing new to report, other than bad times, and my trip to Latvia. Take care everyone, and keep a close eye on your money in these bad times, ugh and Ive heard that 2010 will be even worse, cant fucking wait! Well ta ta peeps, Im of for coffee at moms now.
xx.
<3, Annie.
PS. Ive started my maniac reading sessions again, so I will probably list some of the good books Ive read since, hmm May I belive. Bye.
Yes. I really need to sleep, I wont be able to. Im so tired, so sick, so freezing, so cold. A million thoughts running through my head, I just wanna sleep, maybe I will tonight. Its 1.20 AM. I miss you, but not just you, I miss the old times, who really where the bad times, I miss alot of things, even tho they just give me bad memories, like a movie, running over and over in my head. Most of all I just wanna numb it all with vodka, like I used to, but I wont. Good night.
Yes, I know! I havent been on here for ages, it feels like years. Been working my butt off, doing alot of other peoples shifts @ work. Been up @ 5 AM every morning for the past month and a half, and I aint no morning person! Ugh, its been hard, rough, sweaty, annoying and brining tears to my eyes, blood, sweat and tears, hard work, and finally Im done! Tomorrow will be my last day covering other people while they are on vacation or have days off. I have had 0 a big fat ZERO days off from work this summer. But I will have 6 days off this year, for my volunteerwork in Latvia=) Yayy=) Im so excited, we leave Sweden September 9th, and we will be back September 15th. Will be so nice to meet my little boy=) I am like his contact person, I send letters to him, and sometims a little gift, Im poor measured in Swedish standards, so nope, I cant send him stuff all the time. He once asked for Nike shoes, I was CHOCKED! I cant even afford those kind of shoes, so I had to tell him NO! Im tired, and I wanna sleep now, but no, I will continue writing, wrong words and spelled all wrong, but I hope you dont mind. So, Ive been working my ass off this summer, it will be nice to just have my own work to do, and not racing through town, or to the town nearby to hurry and do alot of other peoples work. Just mind my own buisness, and not have to worry about forgetting shit, cos Im not used to work at their domains. Most of the money will go to my trip to Latvia, but I will put some away for emergencies aswell. I do hope I can visit the dentist this year, its expensive! Otherwise it will be the 3rd year I havent gone there. Im officially erased from the countylisting for people at the local dentist’s office, I guess. They dont call, or send letters anymore, about me having an appointment there. I will go to another dentist instead, in the other town, hes a private dentist, abit more expensive, but atleast I dont have to deal with bitchy women, trying to make me pull my teeth out or something, so that they can give me a bigger bill. Things are the same, Ihavet moved, and I havent done any exciting stuff, nothing has happend really. Sorry for my bullshit on here today, Im so tired, but I feelt the need to write something. This is a shitty picture of me, the result of a nightowl thats been forced to get up at 5 AM for months. Ugh. I look like some junkie or something, but oh just so tired. Have a nice evening. Im so excited for Latvia, I miss my baby boy, and I miss alot of the other people down there aswell. They are so nice and happy=)
xx.
Annie.
Noise of the day: The Drugs by MCR <3 They are back=) Fraaaaaank<3
PS! Do I look like I guy?!?!??! Some people say I do, ugh, Im a girl FFS! & WOW I do look like shite =(
These links means alot to me, so please watch. This might help you to save someone from themselves. Its all an illness, NOT a weakness, reach out, to people you care about, do as people did for me, help them through their struggles, and prevent them from making a mistake that will be forever, over something that can be dealt with. Thank you.
Yeah, June is already coming to an end, and I feel worse for every day that drags by so slowly. Got out of bed at around 10 AM, to eat some breakfast, not that tasty, and went out to have a smoke, where my mom and stepdad where outside, the first thing that happend, that made me feel so fucking disgusted by him was the following; they looked around the house, and mom showed him some work that my beloved stepfather did along time ago, he sadly ended his life 10 years ago. He looked and then said out loud “what a fucking looser”, and laughed, a really evil and selfcontent smile, like he was proud of himself, he so fucking full of himself, he think he knows everything, hes a fucking psycopath, the only thing he knows is how to copy feelings, but for real, he doesnt feel at all, that emotionless asshole. I just wanted to punch him in the fucking guts, and mom told him not to speak bad about the dead. I loved my other stepfahter, even tho he had his many flaws, I spent more time at work today than I needed, had to think, I hope the people I clean for dont complain about it being done in a shitty way, since I couldnt see cos of the fucking tears just bluring my vision. My “new” stepdad probably doesnt know the feeling, that feeling, when you are so fucking lost, so hurt, so numb. When you just wanna kill yourself, end it all for once, he probably doesnt know how it is to be so fucking broken and bended inside that just getting out of bed in the morning is a fucking success. I dont think he knows at all. He doesnt know how it feels to selfmedicate, to medicate so much you forget your own name, when you try to numb that fucking pain inside, he doesnt know, how it is to have to hurt yourself, to reasure yourself that you are still alive, because you dont feel a thing, he probably doesnt know how it is to spend months and months, lifeless on the couch, so numb from all the pain inside, that you cant even fucking move, how it is to spend long nights sleepless, thinking, having anxietyattacks and crying your eyes out. He doesnt know what its like to have family and friends in your precense every waken hour, so you wont do anything “stupid” to yourself, how its like to have your family hide your antidepressants and other medication so you wont try and overdose. He doesnt know how every waken hour is spent planing how to remove yourself from this world, he doesnt know what its like hearing trains in a distant and thinking about spending one night sleeping on the rails. He just dont know what that illness turns you into, that monster, and its so hard to get out, and so hard not to slip back in that black mess, when days are spent in apathy, and nights spent sleepless, how its like with years of therapy, years on medication that makes you even number, years of reckless behaviour, the time you lost, the time you will never have back, the time you only have very vague memories off. He doesnt know a fucking thing, how it is, to try to stand on knees so weak, and a mind so blurred, a souls so fucking broken, and what kind of hopelessness and desperation it takes, to end your so called life.
I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s going to be okay this time
My heart has skipped its final beat
It’s beating me down onto the floor
That must mean that the pills are working
The glass isn’t half empty this time
I smashed it to the ground a long long time ago
It shattered when it fell and I broke to pieces
Each shard’s another reason, another way to give up
This skin is so tight that the air can’t reach my brain
There is nothing telling my heart to beat any faster
To let me scream for help, I will never give up
I will never take the easy way out
This is life
This is struggle
This is love
This is war
Here are a new edition of my heroes and people who inspire me, they make me feel better, makes me feel creative, they are sometimes the only thing that keeps me breathing, and makes me get out of bed in the morning, they are just great, and I cant describe how I feel about them all, ugh Im pathetic. Thank you all.<3
Kurt Cobain [RIP. NIRVANA ]
Adam Gontier [Three Days Grace]
Connor Oberst [Bright Eyes etc. etc.]
Jacoby Shaddix [Papa Roach]
Jared Leto [Actor/30 seconds to Mars]
River Phoenix [RIP. Actor/Alecas Attic]
Adam Lazzara [Taking Back Sunday]
Francis Mark [FATA aka. From Autumn To Ashes]
Geoff Rickly [Thursday]
Alex Varkatzas [Atreyu]
Frank Iero [Pencey Prep/I Am A Graveyard/MCR/Leathermouth]
I havent been writing anything lately. Im writing this in a hurry. Its 10.55 PM, me, my little bro and his girlfriend just watched Twilight, I love that movie, even tho Ive already seen it. Friday I was a little sad and feelt weird, my stepdad left us that day 10 years ago, we miss and love you BJ, and we have forgived you, for the terrible thing you did to yourself and us. We miss you alot, I can still remember all the details about that day, the day we heard you were dead and gone. Saturday, I had some friends over at moms place, I can no longer stay at my place, since my terrible neighbour have alot of parties and I cant sleep, so I crash at moms house every weekend now, so I can get up in time for work. Even tho I not really want it, I will move asap. when I can afford it, to another place in town, so I will then have my own entrence and its a 1 bdrm apaprtment =). Saturday J.J, M, C and J came over, to celebrate my birthday, 2 days late, but Ididnt mind, I got a lot of present, and they told me to shut it, at the time were I was gonna say that it was all to much, and just their presense is enough and makes me happy. I will write the things I got later, I dont have the time now. We had tacos, and I drank about a half bottle of wine and some vodka, just to make me a little bit happier, then we talked all night and watch movies, first we watched Frostbiten, a Swedish vampier movie, it sucked, I can belive I loved that movie when I was about 17 or 18. Then we watched The Shining again, we all love that movie. We went to bed at around 1:30 AM, and got up at 10 AM, I drove them to the train at 3 PM and then went for work. I will stay at moms place tonight as well, can be bothered to drive back home, will drive home in the morning and do laundry and just relax, I have the day off. Now I will read Dracula and then we will watch another movie, my brother and his gf decided to go downstairs and have a late snack, hmm. Have a nice evening, my weekend was fun, and I really love the peeps. who came over here and cheered me up. Bad C. that you couldnt stay here for longer, but I know your baby boy needs his moma.
Yeah. I havent been on here that much lately. Havent had anything interesting to write about, I guess, or I dont know. Cos this post aint special in any way, Ive also been so down that these past few months just feels like a blur, ugh I dont know. Tomorrow is my 21st birthday, and all I feel is anxiety and emptiness. I feel fucking old, time flys by, and I DO NOT like it! I guess most people would be happy for their 21st birthday, but here in Sweden its nothing special. I feel old and like some sort of loser. All I have is a small place, work as a cleaner, and a driverlicense, I want so much more than that. Personal goals to accomplish. Not getting rich or anything. I DO wanna see the world, meet interesting people, help people more, like volunteering and such, and I wanna have kids, with someone who will love me for me. I also want to publish my books. I feel old and like I havent done anything important. But I know I should be really happy, cos I have a job, an apartment and a driverlicense, but I want experiences, to test myself, to see other things than just this little town. SO my goal for next year, with 1 friend and her friend, who I have never met is to backpack around Europe, for atleast 3 weeks. Im already looking forward to it! Will probaby visit around 6-9 countries, we will see along the way how much we will have time for. I really wanna go to the capitals, or atleast big cities, with things to see, like Berlin (Germany), Prague (Czech Republic), Ljubljana (Slovenia), Zagreb (Croatia), Budapest (Hungary), Bratislava (Slovakia) and Warsaw (Poland). To get away from this shithole known as Sweden, I cant wait, will be great=). Uhm, dont know what to write, other than that tomorrow family will come over, and Saturday 4 friends will come to celebrate me. I feel OLD! Give advice if you have been Interrailing, backpacking or traveling in general. Would be great. Have a nice evening. PS. I do hope that saying is true, you are as old as you feel, and that your age is just a number. Ugh 21 is FUCKING OLD!
