Moi.

New picture, I think? Took it a few days before the My Chem show [3/18], before I left work to go home.

S*IT I wrote sometime ago.

Bits and pieces I guess Ive written down during sleepless nights, and had saved on my old cellphone. I use it now, since my other one has passed away.

Written sometime in 2oo9? I think.

And I beg for just one more tomorrow, where you scream your heart out, right into my ear, I will listen, I swear. Because you saved me.

You just jealous, lying to yourself, trying to be someone youre not. Stop the act, your skript isnt that well writtten, I see who you truley are, behind those walls, and the sight isnt pretty.

Have you ever felt so lost, so numb. But still so sensitive that every little detail of this world hurts, like a stabwound?

5/1.

Yeah, uhm not much to report, Ive lost hours at work, Ive gained hours at work, stuff is pretty much the same, I will visit the kiddos in Latvia in August, I cant wait, its one of the few things that still makes me feel alive. Why do I feel like this? Im not even 23 yrs old yet, and I feel so lost, dead inside, so confused and childish, but still like Ive lived forever, that Ive been through a hell lot more than most of my friends. Is life supposed to be like this? Is this what I live for? What do I really like? UGH. I didnt get a loan to buy a house, the bank called me a “lowincome individual”, so they dont trust me with their money I guess. I will figure something out. I wanna go to a few concerts, thats where I truely feel alive and happy, nothing hurts and Im immortal. I went to see My Chem in March, they where great! But all the +12 yr old girls wasnt that great, rude little bitches, fuck! I wasnt like that when I was 12, but I guess everything changes. Still single, no kids, fuck I feel worn out and old, and kinda let down by myself, for how  Ive turned into this weird and boring “adult”. Hmm. If I could, I would write poetry and novels all day long, drink coffee and smoke on the porch in the sun, grow my own food, live of the land and just be happy and dont lie sleepless, worrying about shit I shouldnt care or give a shit about! And go to shows now and again, but these things cost money, so I guess I will work for sometime aka. all my life. LOL. Nah, I WILL figure out a way to do things my way, whatever the cost is, and if it cost me my life, well, atleast I will die happy.

xx.

Annie.

2011 MY year. Some changes.

Im 22 years old, Im already sick of this elitistic consumer filled world that we are living in. Some people know, some dont. Money does not make me happy, people tell me Im one of a kind, Im sure Im not. Maybe Im an oddball, most people stare at me in disbelieve, eyes wide open, when I tell them money doesnt make me happy, buying things doesnt make me happy, status doesnt make me happy, education aka. univeristy isnt something I strive for. What I strive for is having my OWN house, my OWN farm and my OWN time. I dont want a 9-5 job, and I dont wanna make more money than I do now, I dont wanna buy more clothes, electronic gadgets or make up. I dont wanna go out and party, I dont wanna hook up with random people at random places. I just want my own freedom, my own time, where I do the things I like, and stay true to myself, my believes and my hobbies. I dont wanna have to depend on this elitistic, corrupted, money loving, money grabbing, status loving, materialistic society. I wanna live of the land. Tomorrow I will go to the bank and get a so called “”borrow promise”, which basically is the amount of money the bank is willing to lend me, so I can buy a house. I have no clue what they will say, Im pretty sure it wont be that positive, but Ima try and see. I have two small houses in mind, one is not for sale, the other is. They are both perfect, far away from towns, from disgusting people and its calm out there. My plan for the future is to buy a house, move in there, make it my own paradise on earth, and have chickens (for their eggs), horses and plenty of land to grow things on. I wanna go back to basics,  I wanna live of the land. Why is it so hard for people to get their head around that idea??!! Everyone is so negative, lazy and only see the down side of me owning my own house. They tell me its expensive (my rent is more expensive, and I dont even own this dump!), it will be cold and I will have to chop wood all day. I DONT mind! Ive been there, done that. We moved to a house when I was a kid, it didnt have any radiators, running water or toilet. NOT a fucking problem! You chop wood, you make a fire in the stove, problem solved, you fetch water from your well, when you need the toilet you go to the outhouse, you work as a team and its all wonderful! Its not a problem for me, but maybe thats just me? I dont need the comfortable way of life, Im happy anyway. I guess you can call my way of living and thinking simple living, frugality, voluntary poverty, what ever!

What makes me truely happy.

Reading books, novels, biographys, facts, spiritual.

Writing novels, diary, poems.

Nature, watching leaves, sunsets, sunrises, shooting stars, clear night skies, snowstorms and thunder.

Activites, walking, chopping woods, shoveling snow, rake leaves, horse back riding, picking fruit.

Food, cooking, baking, picking fruit, berries, veggies for use later on in the season.

Music, making music, listening to music, concerts.

Friends and family, hanging out, talking, going for walks, laughing.

Animals, dogs, cats, rabbits, cows, chicken, horses, etc.etc.

That is what truely makes me happy, and most of  its FREE! So why should I work more than I need, necessary evil!? Why not spend time doing things I love and live happily? Maybe I wont eat luxuary food, wine and dine, shower every day, shop til I drop, I will be freezing and exhausted, BUT in a good way, I will be HAPPY. I dont wanna work my ass of, getting loads of money, not use them, stress and drive around and then die of a heartattack miserable, with no joy in life. I enjoy the simple things in life, Ive always done that, since I was a kid, when other kids wanted stuff, gadgets and money, I sat there, not understanding why, I thought I already had everything I need. I enjoy making meals for friends, helping others, travel and meeting new people, I like making my own stuff, decorate and make second hand thrifts nice again, I like making jam and my own bread, I like fishing, spend a whole day out on the lake, with company orjust  with myself and my thoughts, I like doing things myself, as much as possible, so I dont need society, I dont wanna be apart of it, I dont wanna slave under this fucked up system, I wanna be my own boss, my own landlord, my own grocerystore and write books all day. Tomorrow I will sell more of me than I need, I will give up 6 hours of my free time, to work. UGH. Necessary evil, til I get my house, cos I want it. NOW, that might be concidered materialistic, but I need my own place, my own land, my own farm, away from people. I enjoy alone time very much, but also company from friends and family, I do want a man and children, soon, Ill just have to find someone who is like me, I want someone with the same believes, so we can be a team, and great minds think alike. I guess Ill see how it all turns out, hopefully good, even tho I think it will be hard for me to find a 20 something guy, who dont mind living simple, anti consumeristic, frugality, and like animals and music and quiet time in the forrest. Hmm… Oh well Im gonna go read now before bed, and listen to music, and stare at my cat whos is asleep, that makes me happy.

PS. This might seem blurry, messed up and just doesnt make sense. I just wrote it and didnt make it look pretty, but some might get the messege, oh and pls leave a cmnt about your thoughts.

Sound:

Nov. 24th. – $Time.

Yes money time, my hard earnt money are almost gone LOL. With Christmas coming up I have about 10 gifts to buy, I hate Christmas shopping.

Bills are paid.

Rent: $432

TV/Broadband: $76

Electric: $35

I have about $800 left, its AMAZING! I havent had this much money in forever! Ive estimated that about $ 200 will go to the presents I have to buy. Most americans might think I have alot left to live on, but the sad truth is that I have not. Food items are really expensive here in Sweden. Some examples;

Milk [the large 3 pint size] $ 1.60

Loaf of bread $ 3 – 4.40

Butter [6oo mg] $ 4.40

Potatoes $1.40/kg

Coffee [500 mg] $4.45

I think its really expensive to go groceryshopping, even tho I budget and buy the cheapest stuff the store got to offer.

Is shopping in your local grocerystore expensive? Uhm other than money and work hatred/worrying, I have nothing new to report. I cant believe that its already been 6 days and 23 hours since I finally enjoyed Papa Roach live, having that amazing experience, to really enjoy and be present at one of their shows have made me loved them even more, and no youtube live video can justify what a great, talented and energetic band they really are. I hope I will be able to see them live again, really SOON!

PS. Sweden is chaotic, mother earth hate us, a blizzard is freaking around, and I hate it. I hate snow, icy winds and just winter in Sweden in general. UGH.

xx.

<3.

Annie.

[Dear Santa. The only thing  I want for Xmas is this. ]

Nov. 20th – Taste of Chaos. <3 Papa Roach.

Im back. November 17th is a date I will remember for the rest of my fucking life!

On November 17th I took the bus with one of my best friends Jannike, to our capital, Stockholm.

It was finally time for the Taste of  Chaos tour, we watched 4 bands, out of the 7 in total that would be there, we watched all of the bands on the main stage, they had another small stage where the other bands played, but we where to afraid to loose our good places in the crowd, we didnt leave the place.

We watched Halestorm, Buckcherry, Papa Roach and Disturbed. Ive been a fan of Papa Roach since I was about 15 years old, and Ive always wanted to see them live. Good bands rarely come to Sweden, so when I found out in August that Papa Roach would visit us, I freaked out! I booked the tickets as soon as I got my paycheck, and it was a long long effing wait til November 17th. When  we got to the place, where the concert was held, there was a huge line outside, the capacity of the arena is 8.500, I think about 5-6.ooo people showed up. We got stressed out in the line and thought we werent gonna get any good places to stand in the arena. But when we finally got inside, we realized that our tickets had a special text on them, so we got to stand right infront of the stage! =) It was a long wait, we got there at 4.20 PM and Papa Roach started to play at 9 PM. It was well worth the wait. We where about 2- 3 rows from the stage, in the middle, so I could see Jacoby perfect, it was all good til they started to play. It was so hot, sweaty, and crowded, I almost fell down from the pressure, so we moved back a few rows, and ended up in the mosh pit instead. We moved abit to the right, and finally I wasnt squeezed half to death. After the show I kinda regret that we didnt keep our places near the stage, but Im so super happy I got to see my hero Jacoby in real life, and to watch and hear the band play live is one of the best experiences Ive had in my entire life, the only thing that might top this will be if I ever give birth to a kiddo. LOL. The weird thing was, that Disturbed was the huge headlining band, but people had so much more energy for Papa Roach, they sang along, jumped, screamed, waved their arms, and the mosh pit was crazy, they energy was beauitful and in all honesty I got so excited the hole show is abit blurry, I just remember that they started the show with Kick in the teeth, but after that I cant name which song came after. All the stress, tention, adrenaline, excitment, mayhem and happiness must have made my brain fuck up really bad.  I really hope I can experience the true wonder of Papa Roach live in concert again. It wasnt a suprise to me, but they did sound so good, better than on the records, the energy and warmth of Jacoby will forever make me smile, he got us to sing along, scream of joy, dance til our clothes where drenched in sweat. I recorded the song Burn on my cellphone but the quality sucks, and I didnt take that many pictures cos I was super busy with watching the band and singing along. But my dear friend Jannike took a really good picture in the begining of the show, before we changed places. I found videos filmed in HD, from a guy, who I will be forever greatful too. Thanks to him, now I can watch the concert forever, every day if I want to, its just great to see the show from a different angle, and to see the band better, since Im not the tallest person on earth, it was kind of hard from time to time. LOL It feels kinda like a dream, it doesnt feel like Ive really been there, but I HAVE, it must sound so stupid, but all of you hardcore fans, you might know how I mean. It truely was one of the best times of my life, music is my world, my life, my love, my comfort, and to see one of my all time favourite bands just makes me smile. Its a memory I will keep forever, close to my heart. The day after I was so sore, I had almost lost my voice and had bruises all over my body, a big lump in my head and aching feet, but it was so worth it all. I would sell my soul to be able to see Papa Roach again, my dream came true, I wonder if it will happen again??

Setlist.

1. Intro

2. Kick In The Teeth

3. Lifeline

4.  One Track Mind

5. Scars

6.  The Enemy

7. Getting Away With Murder

8. To Be Loved

9.  Forever

10. Burn

11. Hollywood Whore

12. Between Angels And Insects

13. Last Resort

 

[.This is how close to the stage we where at the begining of the show.]

 

[ I screamed of joy when they played my anthem. We are somewhere to the right of this guy.]

 

<3. Annie.

Autumn Anxiety. 11/14

So today it was Father’s day in Sweden. I got up at uhm 10.30 AM I think, it felt like I hadnt had a sleep in for a while. At 3 PM I walked to my grandpa’s house, and celebrated him on his day, with coffee and cake, it was nice. After that it was meant that I was gonna drive over to my mom and stepdad’s house, but I had this weird feeling going on, so I decided to stay home. I had the worst anxiety attack Ive had for a long time, I hate it! I hate feeling helpless, scared for no reason at all, I hate feeling like that, and having my heart beating out of my chest. I cried for ages, as thats a bonus, with the anxiety attacks. Ive had this shit stuff happening to me since I was 12 years old, and I still never get used of this disgusting feeling. I knew what set it off, and I dont really wanna share it on here. I just feel bad for mom, cos she was gonna make a wonderful dinner, and I didnt show up. :/ Tomorrow I will do a 5/6 hour shift, I will clean at 3 different companies here in my town, the first is at a place that makes stuff out of wood, they make these loading pallets out of wood, for transportation. The second place restore old movies, and the third one makes parts for skiiflifts. I will work with my best co-worker M, she is my age and is the best to work with, if I dont work by myself, she is the one I prefer to work with. I have had this horrible cough going on for a week or two now, it sucks, but its getting better, so right now Im enjoying a cup of raspberry tea. On Wednesday I will take the 9 AM bus with one of my best friends, we will go to Stockholm and go to ENJOY the Taste of Chaos, I will be so happy and extatic, to see Papa Roach, OMG words cant explain how much I love that band, how theyve saved me, and made me into the person I am today. <3 Ps. I dont know if I told yall, but we have snow here now. UGH :/

My Anthem. <3

Im back.

Yeah, my computer died 2 months ago. RIP! So I had to save alot of money, and buy a new one :/

Uhm. Not that much new stuff to report.

Its only 4 days left, til me and Jannike<3 leave for the concert in Stockholm, Im so excited!

Ive been busy, but time has not been flying by, work is boring, and I never knew how much Im dependent on my

computer, to research things, write, and talk to people.

I might lose 10-11 hours of work/week in March of 2o11, which will suck balls. I hope I will get more hours elsewhere, or Ill be super poor. With no food on the table.

Uhm. IDK what to write, I have been hanging out alot with my little brother, cos hes one of my best friends.

Heres a pic of us.

 

Homeschooling ban in Sweden forces families to leave the country.

It makes me so mad, Sweden has always been known for its open mindedness, its free spirit. But FUCK that, its just an image, its NOT true.

PLS READ THIS:

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2010/jul/18/home-school-ban-in-sweden-forces-families-to-mull-/?page=1

“Within the EU there are currently only two countries that completely shuts out the possibility of home schooling. It is Germany, and now Sweden. Germany’s education law is based on the 1933 decision by the then Nazi National Assembly, on the grounds that all would be schooled in the same thought patterns. Sweden is now on that same route.”

When I have kids, I’ll unschool ‘em.

Yes, thats true. I’m new to this way of schooling your kids. I still don’t have kids, but  I’m still make some plans. Why not!? I mean, good grades doesn’t make you a better person, grades doesn’t prepare you for life, grades doesn’t show of your skills and what you’re truley good at. They are only measured to get us even further into this rat race. Good grades will get you into a good college, good grades+fancy education=great income, plus lots of elitism and you’ll compete with all of your co-workers, stay extra hours at work, to get a paycheck, and you won’t have time for the things you LOVE, the people you LOVE. Sure a decent income is a plus, since you dont have to worry, and mentally suffer, but life isn’t life without the rough parts. Put a decent roof over your family’s head, bring food on the table, enjoy life, and the little things. Why fill your life with meaningless stuff, stressing out about payments, about keeping up with the new gadgets, striving for a bonus, climbing the careerladder, living for that next paycheck, and being away from the people you love, the things you enjoy doing. [To be continued.]

The things about schools are to me most negative, mean kids, bored teachers, bored kids, pressure, tests, no time to explore your true talents, getting interupted when your in the flow, so to speak. The system kills kids spirits, and their urge to explore new things, learn things they want to, learn in their own pace. The things I learnt at school has in no way affected my life in a positive way, sure I can add up all my bills and know what I have to pay the next month, and thats about it! I remember studying for tests, when the test was over, I forgot most things Ive “learnt”. All the other things Im so passionate about, the things that makes my heart beat faster, the things I can explore, enjoy, spend hours at an end reading and talking about, is the things that stick, the things that I can ramble on and on about in my sleep. Its stuck in my head, and arent going anywhere. So I truely wish and hope that our school system changes, or Ill just have to trust my future kids, and unschool them.

More about unschooling: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unschooling

Famous unschooled filmmaker Astra Taylor:

Sandra Dodd:

Blah.

There’s so many things I want to talk about. There are so many thoughts spinning around in my head. But once I’ve rushed home from work, eaten and showered, all of the witty remarks, and the smart ideas are gone.

I was gonna type about how success is defined to each person.

I was gonna type about how we shouldn’t put ideas into kids heads, on how money will make you happy, and how a good college and career will be everything you need to live happily ever after.

BLAH! The thoughts doesn’t wanna work with me, like usual. I will spend the night, in my bed, thinking of what should be written down and posted on here, and when I have the energy to actually write in here, the thoughts have flown away, into another universe.

I just wish and hope that someone out there, share the same thoughts and ideas as me, I don’t wanna be alone in this, I want a partner in crime, I want other people to hear my words loud and clear.

I was gonna type about how a job, is just that, a job.

I was gonna type about how intelligence and attitude has nothing to do with your careerchoice.

I was gonna type about how I don’t get people who live and identify themselves with what they do from 9-5 Monday – Friday.

I was gonna type about how I don’t understand the people who say money will buy happiness.

I was gonna type about how I don’t get the materialistic views in todays society.

I was gonna type about how inner peace and happiness mean the most.

I was gonna type about how family and friends can’t be replaced by all the stupid stuff people buy in stores.

I was gonna type about how age doesn’t have much to do with how much life experience you’ve got, or for that matter, what you have experienced.

I was gonna review some books I’ve recently been reading. I think I’ll do this another day, and being lazy, I will just post pictures of the books.

xx.

aNNIE.